


Silence speaks volumes and the messages aren’t always good

by KINGDAIKI



Category: Gintama
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Attempt at angst, Broken Engagement, Confrontations, F/M, Mentions of Okita Mitsuba, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Sougo keeps his BFY hair btw, Timeskip, how do I tag without spoiling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25717774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KINGDAIKI/pseuds/KINGDAIKI
Summary: Kagura swore to herself that this will be the last time that she would be talking to him about this. She felt pathetic enough as it is, but she just needed her questions answered for her own piece of mind— hell, for her sanity. Gin-chan told her that this was fair, and that she deserved this much, so why is that asshole not saying anything?
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 20
Kudos: 73





	Silence speaks volumes and the messages aren’t always good

**Author's Note:**

> [*] Fukucho — Vice-Commander, Hijikata's position in the Shinsengumi  
> [*] Hiki-Furisode — A formal wedding gown among samurai families during Edo-period.  
> [*] Montsuki — Wedding Kimono for men.
> 
> I swear this was sadder in my head.
> 
> Enjoy!

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and sat down. 

She can do this. She rehearsed everything in her head before she got here and she would _not_ let all her hard work go to waste. Nope, never. She even got the whole look down! Anego volunteered to fix her hair for her and she did so in a cute half-up, half-down sort-of style, too! The pins kind of stung a bit, but it was nothing that she couldn’t handle.

 _'This is no place for chickening out!’_ She tells herself one last time. That damned sadist better appreciate all the efforts that she poured into this, yup! 

She would’ve preferred doing this in a more casual setting. _Their_ park, for starters, but it’s not like she has that much of a say in the matter anymore so she decided to just suck it up. She was slowly getting used to not frequenting places that were dear to her heart, anyways.

Gin-chan always said that locations containing happy memories shouldn’t be soiled with painful ones, because they would lose their meaning, so she decided to avoid them completely altogether. The park was one thing, the riverbank was another; and now, she would rather be found dead in a ditch than seen anywhere near both. She was making progress— _slow_ progress but, still, _progress_ — and she was not planning on sabotaging herself anytime soon. This place should be alright, not exactly what she had in mind for today’s _date_ , but it’s fine. She’ll _live_. 

She takes a deep breath, and then another. She pauses for a good few seconds and, once she feels in her heart that she is ready,— _truly_ ready— she begins.

“Just...” she started off light, eyes shining with determination when she opened them, “how did it get to this, Sadist?”

No reply nor sarcastic comeback, huh? Alright, that’s _fine_. She expected this much. She just needed to get this out of her system or else it would have eaten her alive from the inside out. After all, it’s been _days_ since she last ate a full meal, and _weeks_ since she had gotten a good night’s sleep; both of which were odd in itself considering who she was.

She will say her piece, leave, then move on with her life— in that exact order, yes? Because that was just the way it went in her head, so therefore she had to stick with it, yes?

She felt tears prickling her eyes and she shut them tightly, fighting the urge to cry. ‘ _This was not part of the plan, damn it!’_

Sure, she had taken the waterworks into consideration, but not this early into it. She balled her hands tightly into fists, frustrated at her own weakness. ‘ _I really did love him this much, huh?_ ’ She scoffed at how silly the thought was, even to her own ears, because of course she did! It was obvious! _Too_ obvious, actually! Anyone with a well-functioning eye could see it! It was so obvious that it physically _hurt_. 

Mayora was one of the first people who had confronted her about their relationship and warned her of his sadistic subordinate, despite knowing fully well that Sougo was head over heels in love with her, too. Probably out of responsibility for the younger officer, or something? She didn’t know. She never really understood how things worked in that V-shape-banged head of his, but she appreciated the thought. 

_“If that bastard does anything to you that makes you cry, anything at all, you tell me. You got that?”_ She remembered the Vice-Chief saying, to which she grinned and replied with “ _Not if I make him cry first, mayora!”_

She was greeted with a proud smirk after that, and a claim that they truly _were_ a match made in hell. 

The wind blew, and her waist-length vermillion hair danced along with it. She released a heavy sigh before continuing her tirade. “We had it all, you dumbass. Everything was perfect!” She pauses, pursing her lips. Was this guy even listening? “Well, as perfect as it could be between us. But the fact that I haven’t dumped you yet after three long years means we were doing well, yes?”

* * *

_“Date me, China.”_

_Her eyes widened in shock, causing the distraction he needed. He smirked as he gained the upper-hand and utilized the opportunity to pin her against a sturdy-looking tree._

_Okita Sougo ignores the rapid beating of his heart. That thing still worked, huh? Good to know, at least._

_“O-oi, Sadist, what the he—”_

_“Date me, China.” he repeated, slowly, this time. As if he had all the time in the world. Now that he thought about it, maybe he did— with the way his red eyes pierced straight into her ocean blue ones, not caring the very least that they were still in a public place, albeit empty, and certainly not rushing her as she tried to process his statement._

_He searched for hints of anger, disgust, or even disappointment in her eyes, as those were the usual, what he was accustomed to whenever they were fighting, and was immensely pleased with himself when he found none. She was taking him seriously, he observed,— something that both surprised and thrilled him— but he wasn’t about to complain._

_She still wasn't resisting in his hold and he had half a mind to laugh. Her body is still frozen beneath his touch,— in the most literal sense of the word— and, as he watched her, he began to question himself that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t thought this completely through._

_He revelled in the way that something so simple left her this speechless. It wasn’t like her at all, since she is the very same loud, boisterous girl that he knew since she was 14. From that girl, he expected pushing. He expected her laughing at his very face before telling him to go buzz off somewhere else because that’s what she would normally do. Hell, he even expected her to throw maybe a punch or two because deep down,—deep, deep down— he is actually an M at heart, though just for her. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined this extended silence and was she actually considering it?_

_She is 21 now, and he is 25, he reminds himself. The years flew by so quickly behind them, but the only notable difference on her is the length of her hair and the size of her previously non-existent breasts. Not to mention, those killer curves, too. He could go on and on about how much of a—drop dead gorgeous— woman she was now but it still wouldn’t change the fact that he fell for her when she was 16, way before anyone even remotely saw her as nothing but a gluttonous mass with no sex appeal or whatsoever, much less a woman._

_It took him years, and years, of denial before he was able to finally accept his fate and admit to himself that he really was in love with his rival, and not just the way in which she was the only being, in the entire universe, capable of making him feel very much alive whenever their weapons clashed._

_With this embarrassing realization, he threw away all rational thought and decided that he’d be damned if he didn’t do anything about these emotions for her before he died._

_He had a lot of plans for this life of his, and getting married before thirty— just to rub it in Hijikata-san’s face— was one of them. It was ranked rather high on his list, actually, but not above becoming Vice-Chief and successfully assassinating said superior, of course._

_“Sadist..” she finally spoke. He noted her cautious tone with light amusement, as well as the worried look in her eyes. What the hell is she thinking about? Seriously, how hard is it to respond to a simple—_

_“Are you sick?”_

_He fought the urge to smack his forehead though it was incredibly tempting. Is it really that hard to believe that he wants to be a gentleman for once and ask a lady out? He snorted at his own choice of words. Put in mind the way they both eagerly came at each other with the intent to kill just a few lines ago, the question sounded stupid even to his own ears._

_She stares up at him with those huge eyes and he remembers thanking every god out there for his last growth spurt, as it gave him the extra inches to tower over her as he did now._

_“I’m not, dumbass” he sighed and took her hand in his and held it. This actually feels nice, but this was also the sappiest fucking thing he’s ever done in his young life so far, so there was no way in hell that he will be caught admitting that out loud, and to his rival, no less._

_“Fancy yourself a night out with me? I’ll see to it that I make it worth your while” he spoke in the most gentle tone he’s ever used on her in their entire 7 years of knowing each other, and Kagura looks like her poor brain is going to burst from all the thinking she was doing._

_She blinks dumbly then gives him what, he thinks, is supposed to be a fierce glare, if it didn’t look so adorable on her. The sad reality that this woman had him so whipped, and she wasn’t even aware of it, not even the slightest, was slowly sinking in and he really wanted to laugh at himself for how pitiful this entire situation was. “Gin-chan says that when a man asks a woman to go out with him at night, he’s definitely trying to stick his **** in her *****”_

_His brows knit together in reflex because ‘danna, what the fuck?’ is the first thing that comes to his mind. He really, truly, wants to smack the yato in front of him, right this very moment, for her not-so-surprising stupidity, but decided against it. He’s just trying to date her, goddammit! He hadn’t even thought that far!_

_He closes his eyes and takes consecutive deep breaths, all in an attempt to calm down. ‘No, Sougo,’ he reminds himself, ‘keep cool. Think of Hijikata-san’s look of total and utter humiliation when he finds out that you got into a happy and healthy relationship before him.’ he nods to himself and opens his eyes once more, his resolve all the more hardened._

  
  


_“I guess that’s a no to the all-you-can-eat buffet, then.” He released her from his hold, feigning disappointment as he turned his back towards her in a mock attempt to leave, stifling the smile that was slowly making its way to his face the entire time._

_“Wait!” He immediately skids into a halt at the sound of her voice and smirks. She is so easy to catch. “I’ll go with you. Just this once, yes? Now get down on your knees and thank the queen of Kabuki-cho for her generosity!”_

  
  


_Oh, China, you said that on the next date, too._

_And on the few hundred more that followed._

* * *

Kagura looks up and notes the darkening sky before she continues.

“I..” her voice is _so_ small as she struggles to keep the tears in check and she hates that she can barely recognize the sound that is coming out from her own mouth. 

“I don’t know where I went wrong.” she blinks once, then another. “Because it’s me, right? It has to be me, yes?” She insists and the tears are now freely falling as she made no move to stop them. What was the point? It didn’t matter anymore. “Because if it wasn’t my fault, then why? It makes no sense, sadist. It _still_ makes no sense.”

The asshole still isn’t saying anything, she smiled bitterly. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined crying over him and their relationship, the way she was doing right now, but she is, and the thought tears her apart even more. She isn’t even human, for heaven’s sake! She is a yato! The mightiest race in the universe! So why is she being reduced to this crying mess just because she had loved and, eventually, had _lost_?

“M-maybe I—” she chokes out, her voice breaking “it’s because I’m not the sweetest, right?” She asks, almost pleading but she still had the decency and the self-preservation to stop herself. “but it’s not my fault you’re so stupid all the time that it makes me want to bash your head in, you know that!” She gave him a wry laugh as she pressed her fingers together. 

“Tell me, sadist,” she urges on “is that it? because I could’ve easily fixed that, yup! You didn’t have to leave over that!— or… or was it because I wasn’t the most observant girlf—”

She looks down on her lap, where her hands are placed, and she chews her lips as she fights a losing battle against another batch of tears that threatened to fall. The moment her touch ghosts over her finger, and she lets out a sob. 

Her _ring_ finger. “F-fiancée.” She managed to choke out, along with another bitter smile, as she eyes the most beautiful diamond ring she has ever seen, even to this day. “Maybe I wasn’t the best fiancée, no?” She asks, her desperation for answers leading her to put the blame all on herself when she didn’t receive any. “Just…. why…., Sougo…” she sniffled “y-you… you should’ve known that from the start! So don’t you dare say it was my fault because it isn’t” She finishes, and it’s truly ironic how, even as she struggles to keep herself from breaking down, she still manages to keep up the tsundere act.

“It isn’t, yes?”

* * *

_They usually had their dates on his days off. It was more convenient that way and, of course, it’s not like Kagura is some clingy teenage girl who can’t wait until her boyfriend has time to go see her. Of course not. She will never be that girl, yup!— Gin-chan says girls like that are annoying and that he will literally disown her if she ever becomes dependent on a man like that, especially after he dedicated ‘his entire life’ teaching her that men are pigs and how she didn’t need them to be her own woman. She smacked him with her umbrella for that. How dare he even think that she would end up becoming one of them! ‘Are you out of your mind, Gin-chan?’ cue another umbrella bonk to her Earth father’s head— so she agrees to this setup. Besides, she has Odd Jobs to keep her busy, anyway._

_Today, however, the Sadist surprised her by showing up unannounced at the Yorozuya Office. She stares questioningly at him when he tells her to get ready as he is, apparently, going to take her out. She half-expected him to whip out his katana and point it directly against her throat when he said that. It was hard to tell with him sometimes._

_“Am I forgetting something? Didn’t you say that you had a stakeout today?” She grabs her huge parasol, standing in front of him with an eyebrow raised. Sougo just shook his head with a small meaningful smile that she didn't catch._

_“I finished up early.” He smirks at her confused expression. “Are you doubting me, China? You think I’m lying?”_

_Kagura flushes red in embarrassment and she huffs when she walks past him. “Your mistress must have gotten tired of you and dumped you, that’s why you’re here, yes? You’re probably just bored, yes?” she mutters under her breath as she wears her boots._

_T_ _he Shinsengumi Captain chuckles at her antics before turning to her father figure. “I’ll try not to keep her out too late, Danna.'' he addresses him in a low tone, accompanied by a knowing look, and Gintoki’s eyes widened slightly in realization. The older samurai sighs._

_“Today, huh?” Sougo looks down in an attempt to hide his reddening ears, and he could only hope that the girl struggling to wear her shoes by the entrance doesn't hear them whispering._

_“Hai...” His fingers make its way to his pocket and he unconsciously grips the small, velvet box that he stuffed in there nervously._

_“Alright.” Gintoki says, defeat evident in his tone “Take care of her” Sougo nods at the same time her guardian adds “...please.” in a voice so small that he almost didn’t hear it._

_The silver-haired samurai is caught off-guard when he sees Sougo actually bowing to him. Again. He already did this when he formally asked for her hand, but to do it again so willingly knowing this idiot’s pride? Either his ‘daughter’ must really have him completely whipped or his Do-S persona was just a fluke, after all— though he doubted that._

_As the saying goes, It takes one sadist to know another sadist— or something along those lines._

_“You can have my head if I don’t, Danna. Both of them” he promises and that’s more than enough for him. Gintoki waves him off and the younger man straightens up just in time before Kagura peeked back into the office._

  
  


_“What’s taking you so long, stupid sadist? My time is very precious, you know?”_

_“Hai, hai..” Sougo rubs the back of his head as he calmly approaches the annoying yato he plans to spend the rest of his life with._

_“I’m heading out, Gin-chan! It seems the sadist wants to show off his gorgeous girlfriend around town again!” She calls before leaving with a final reminder to her surrogate father that he is to feed Sadaharu should the Shinsengumi captain keep her out too late._

_“Danna.” Sougo turns to look at the samurai one last time before heading out, nodding his farewell. Gintoki returns this with a seemingly proud smirk._

_Damn it, they really do grow up so fast._

_“Best of luck, Souich—no._

_Best of luck, Sougo.”_

* * *

_Their date is fun, of course. As were all the other dates that came before it, though Kagura doesn’t say this. The sadist’s ego is going to get even bigger if I do, she reasons easily._

_Tonight, however, instead of walking her straight home after their day together since it’s already nearing her ‘curfew’,— Gintoki always ends up scolding them on how young women shouldn’t go home so late at night after spending the entire day with a young, hormonal man, so he’s always taking her home by 9— Sougo leads her to the bridge where they fought way back a few hundred episodes ago. She is confused but she lets him. After all, she is pretty sure she can trust her own boyfriend with her life. Not that she needs to, she can protect herself just fine, but still._

_“Sadist? It’s almost 9, remember—“_

  
  


_“You know, China...” Sougo started, leaning against the bridge’s railing, back turned against her. “I’m not getting any younger.”_

_Kagura’s brows immediately furrowed in confusion. The sadist never brought up age when it came to their relationship since they practically grew up together. 4 years isn’t that big of a gap too, anyway._

_“Not that, dumbass” he chuckled and motioned for her to join him. She does and she watches him as he stares at the glowing moon, his expression full of thought. Kagura waits for him to continue._

  
  


_“I’ve... I’ve always wanted a family.” He confesses, and his gaze softens. “Even when I was still with aneue, as a little kid, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have something to call my own.” He muses. “It was all pretty objective thinking, though. A quiet, peaceful life with my own flesh and blood. I think we all wanted that at some point, or still do.” He looks at her in confirmation and the fond smile on her face as he rambles tells him that he can do this. These moments between them are rare, but they happen. She is silent, but she is listening, so he continues on._

_“I wanted a wife, who would then bear my children, you know, the usual,” he shrugged “But then again, that wife, those kids, they were all faceless in my thoughts back then”_

_Sougo unconsciously grips the box in his pocket once more. Losing count of how many times he had done it, that night alone._

_“When I fell in love with you, Kagura,” she is startled by her given name on his lips and she blushes cutely, making him even more determined. “Those kids... that wife... with each passing day, my thoughts back then about the life that I’ve always wanted even as a child became clearer to me” he faced her, smiling softly, but she can hardly look at him because she feels like all the blood in her body can be seen on her face, if that were possible._

_“Then you agreed to be my M—” he dodged the slap aimed at his arm with a chuckle “I started seeing faces. Hell, I even started naming them.” She laughs at this but doesn’t interfere because hearing him say that he’s been thinking about life with her did unspeakable things to her tummy._

_Patsuan told her those were just butterflies, but why does it feel like an entire zoo in there? Complete with gorillas, too!_

_He takes her hand and intertwines it with his own as they both gaze into the river reflecting the moon’s bright glow. “A boy with your hair, my eyes and we’d call him Souichirou, to finally get Danna off my ass about the name,” he grins and continues, gripping her small hand tightly in his “Then we’d get even busier and give Souichi a little sister, with my hair and your eyes. We’d name her Mitsu—“_

_“Mitsuko” Kagura joins in. This is the first time she opens her mouth to join in on his musings but he didn’t mind it one bit. If anything, it caused the smile on his face to widen and he felt warm. He felt content. He felt like he could raid an entire Jouishishi hideout alone and come out unscathed. “We’ll name her after your sister, Mitsuba-san, and my mami, Kouka. She’ll be the most beautiful girl in the entire universe, yes?”_

_Sougo nodded, pleased with the idea. He pulls her in and wraps his arms around her slender body. She returns the embrace, placing her own arms around his frame. Then, he rests his forehead on her shoulder and she lets out a soft hum in response._

_“I’d be the Vice-chief of the Shinsengumi who comes home to you and our amazing children every night. I’d train them on the way of the sword during my days off and you’ll be the one to teach them how to kick ass with their half-yato abilities. When we’re both busy, they can spend time with Danna or Hijikata-san, maybe at the same time if those two finally get their shit together, too. ”_

  
  


_Kagura laughed heartily, one hand playing with the ends of his long, flaxen hair. “You really thought this through, ne, Sougo?”_

_He pulled away and let his arms drop to settle on her tiny waist. In return, she moves to rest her arms on his shoulders. “All I’m saying is, I can give you a good life, you know?" She raised an eyebrow and smiled teasingly at him. He took a deep breath._

_Here goes nothing._

  
  


_“So marry me, Kagura,” He says with a smile, albeit shaky and slightly nervous. “We can start with that, if you’ll have me.”_

  
  


_Really, Sougo wouldn’t be surprised if her eyeballs popped out from their sockets with how wide her eyes and mouth currently were. She takes a step back, arms falling to her sides, trying to process what he just said to her._

_“W-what?” She blinks once. Twice. another. And now she’s blinking so much, so fast and her eyes are watering. Sougo just watches with amusement as she struggles to reign in the emotions she must be feeling all at once. “Y-you don’t even have a ring!” She accused, tsundere even to the night of her getting proposed to._

_“Of course I do, idiot.” he rejects the idea smoothly and finally fishes out the box he’s been fidgeting with for the entirety of their date. He was just about to open it and show her when she launches herself onto him uttering “Yes! Yes, yes, yes, Sadist!” over and over. The bubbling laugh that erupts from her sounds so happy and absolutely melodious that he almost feels his poor, little heart skip a beat._

_Now, it’s his turn to freeze. “H-hah?” He asks, dumb and disbelieving, as she stains his hakama with tears of what he hoped were happiness instead of dread over the thought of spending the rest of her life with him, though he wouldn’t exactly blame her._

_She pulled away from her rather violent hug and faced him. Even with tear-stained eyes, Sougo swears that he has never seen her look as beautiful as she does, in this very moment, with that smile on her practically glowing face. “I said yes, stupid!”_

_“Fuck…” He can’t help it. He is completely breaking his character over here, but he found himself returning the grin on her face with his own equally huge one. “China, you really—” Damn it, now he’s the one struggling to get a hold of himself. He runs a hand through his long bangs, unable to keep the goofy smile off of his face. “What the hell, you haven’t even seen the ring yet.”_

_He opens the box and laughs wholeheartedly at her astonished face. She lets out a few ‘Oh my god’s under her breath as he carefully slid the ring on her finger._

_She tackles him, no longer bothering to keep her girlish squeal in check. “Sougo! Oh my god! It’s so beautiful!” He beams with pride as he watches his fiancée— damn, it felt good to call her that— admire the very thing he slaved for. In the end, all those nights of overtime at the Shinsengumi compound were worth it._

_“Only a certified tax robber like you would be able to afford something like this, yes?!” She giggles and she can’t help lifting her arm and moving it around while she admires the ring on her finger. The way that huge diamond shines against the moonlight is so beautiful, it should be illegal!_

_She grins at her fiancée once more and he tilts her head up by lifting her chin with a finger to meet his gaze. “Only the best for my future Ms. Okita Sougo, ne?” He winked playfully and she pressed her lips against his with uncontrolled excitement. He sinks into the kiss and returns her vigor with the same amount of enthusiasm._

_She can’t wait to tell Gin-chan about this!_

* * *

Kagura cracked a small, sad smile as she recalled the memory. That had, _undoubtedly_ , been the only night wherein she really felt the meaning of _true happiness_ throughout her entire life.

It was the kind of feeling that those romantic dramas she used to fawn over with Soyo-chan tried so badly to portray, and now that she had experienced it, even if it were just for one night, she realized that they didn’t seem so exaggerated, after all. If anything, they didn’t even do it justice. 

  
  


She smoothes out the creases in her _Hiki-Furisode*_ as she adjusted the way she sat before him. The _Kimono_ she wore was a beautiful blue ensemble that brought out her eyes, and was supported by a silver _obi._ The intricate, elaborate patterns dyed in red, gold, and a little orange completed the material, each color specifically chosen to compliment her. The entire garment was exquisitely made by Tsuki and the Hyakka just for her. 

She remembers tearing up the first time she tried it on, feeling every bit elegant and feminine,— things that she usually weren’t on a normal day, even as an adult— and it amplified her excitement for the wedding even more. 

Now that she was adorning such a sophisticated outfit for a completely different event altogether,— even complete with Sacchan volunteering to do her makeup— she couldn’t help the wave of bitterness that washed over her. 

In a single instant, all the promises of a life to be spent together were turned into ‘ _What if’_ s and tragic ‘Could’ve been’s. What made it a hundred times worse was that no one— not even a single person among all the mighty samurai and powerful women the two of them surrounded themselves with on a daily basis— would’ve been able to do anything about it. 

Not even the Sadist, _himself_. 

* * *

_“They say it’s a lung disease, Hijikata-san. You know, the very same stupidly incurable one that you were well-acquainted with? I don’t doubt them at all. I mean, it’s right here, in my blood.” The idiot gloats, like it’s something to be proud of and, if he didn’t know any better,— like how this brat said shit like this as a defense-mechanism— he would’ve been killed by his own superior’s hand right on the spot._

_“I thought I was spared, since aneue got it, but, man, what are the odds that I had it too, huh?” Sougo lets out a wry chuckle and Hijikata feels bile rise up to his throat. The entire conversation was a grim reminder of how nothing ever went right in this life of theirs._

_“I don’t even have any memory of our parents and, suddenly, I find out that they’ve succeeded in giving both me and my sister some obnoxious disease.” The captain lets out another dry laugh at the irony of his situation. “What the hell was that for, ne, Hijikata-san? A parting gift of sorts, maybe? Heh, they can both go to hell.”_

_“I think you should rest, Sougo.” The Vice-chief felt every inch of his body go weak at the all-too-familiar scene unfolding before him._

_Their relationship may be built on numerous assassination attempts and skin-deep animosity, but there was no denying that only the two of them truly understood each other when it came to his sister, Mitsuba._

_Hijikata’s fingers twitched as he unconsciously reached into his pocket to grab a stick from his pack, and only then did he notice that his hand was shaking. Was it the lack of nicotine in his body or was it the gnawing feeling in his gut that reminded him of how he already lost the eldest Okita, and now, his days with the youngest was numbered due to the same illness, as well? He wasn’t sure anymore. “.... does she know?”_

_Kagura._

_What was he even supposed to tell her? They were engaged, for fuck’s sake! How could he promise to spend the rest of his life with the one woman who felt like home ever since his sister passed when he didn’t even know if he would be able to get himself through the entirety of next month alive?_

_“She can’t find out.” He grits out— shutting his eyes tightly, just to keep the tears of frustration that were threatening to fall at bay._

_“You can’t be seriou—”_

_“I’m begging you, Hijikata-san,” Sougo held Hijikata’s gaze with glassy eyes until the latter couldn’t stomach the presence of emotion in the former’s usually deadpan expression any longer. Sincerity from this guy’s voice directed towards him was something he didn’t hear often, and he found out through time, and time again, that he never wanted Sougo to speak to him in this tone, ever. He would give anything to have this brat say some dumb punchline right now, pull out his rocket launcher from god-knows-where and point it at his head in this instant. He would take anything but this. “Please….. She can’t find out”_

_But fate didn’t have the time to play jokes today and, from the looks of it, so did Sougo, who was looking every bit serious._

_“That’s unfair, Sougo!” He spat out, “You can’t do that! It would kill her!” He punches the wall in frustration and his subordinate doesn't even flinch. He probably expected that fist to land on his face. “You think you can just keep her out of the loop for as long as you can then, once you’re gone, dump the responsibility of fixing a broken girl who was promised marriage right in everyone’s hands? Is that what you plan to—”_

_“THEN WHAT DO EXPECT ME TO DO, HUH?” Sougo grabs him by his cravat and shoves him against the wall with all his pent-up frustration. The booming noise must have alerted the entire compound that they were arguing, already. “Do you think I should just go back home right now, casually tell her that I’m dying, and spend my last days on this Earth with my fiancée crying over me even though I’m right here, in front of her, still alive? Is that what you want, Hijikata-san?”_

_The honorific sounded like an insult when mixed with the venom in the younger samurai’s voice and Hijikata almost winced at the cold feeling of helplessness that rolled off of Sougo in waves._

_“Because, let me tell you this, Fukucho*, that’s fucking unfair.” the grip on his collar tightens, “and if I have to live through my remaining days with Kagura not even able to look at me without crying, dreading my impending doom, then I would rather commit seppuku here and now, right in front of you. I’ll even allow you to take photos, if you fucking want to, you insensitive piece of shit.”_

  
  


_He moves to gently remove the hand that was blocking his airways and Sougo doesn’t stop him. Instead, the young captain takes a step back, cradling his face in his palms— the very image of a vulnerable man who had lost all hope, with no idea what to do._

_Hijikata swears that, in that moment, he looked very much like the young boy who barely reached his chest again, and it hurt._  
  


_He turned, ready to leave, and placed a hand on top of Sougo’s head for a brief moment before retracting it just as quickly. “If she comes to me, looking for answers, I’m not lying for your ass, Sougo.” he swears in a low voice and the nod that he receives in reply tells him that he said the right thing._

_“That’s more than enough for me.” The usual smug and cocky voice was broken and barely above a whisper, “Thank you, Hijikata-san.”_

_He didn’t need to hear that— didn’t want to, not even in the least. He’s too undeserving of that, especially if it came from Sougo— but what the hell can he do? He was starting to think that maybe he was cursed by some god up there, destined to live an unhappy life and infect the people closest to him. He was given ears and a very clear sense of hearing, after all._

_What he did need right now, however, was a smoke._

_and he needed it desperately._

* * *

_“Hey, China,” Sougo says in greeting, casually swinging an arm around her petite frame as he joins her on the couch. She barely acknowledges his presence, giving him only a soft hum of recognition, and she doesn’t even bother to look up from the bridal magazine that she was so focused on. She probably got that from the older Shimura Boss-Lady, he heard everyone in their so-called circle was buzzing with excitement for their big day._

_Sougo felt guilt wash over him in that instant and felt like driving his katana through his own heart then and there._

_“What if I suddenly died?” He asks out of the blue, playing with the strands of her long hair “like, with no warning whatsoever?” he was going to shrug, to at least try to add an air of normalcy to his inquiry, but found that he didn’t have it in him to go that extra mile just to hide things from her. “What would you do? Just curious.”_

_They haven’t been engaged for too long yet, but it surprised even him that he kept rediscovering, every single day, how much he was still able to feel,— after spending his teenage years believing that he had already gone completely numb— all because of the woman in his arms, and she wasn’t even human._

_“I’d kill you, you damn Sadist.” The reply came instantly and, for a second, he felt well again. He felt strong again— like he could breathe properly again. Like he wasn’t feeling his insides burning his entire body. Like he wasn’t trying so damn hard to physically stop himself from coughing in that very moment._

_But, then again, he would rather kill himself with the damn justaway they used as an alarm clock than let Kagura see him in an all-too-weak and pathetic state like that._

_She looks at him then, properly, this time, and allows herself to openly stare at him. His mind goes into overdrive and his blood pressure probably shoots up like crazy because he is so damn nervous right now. She most likely knows his biggest, darkest, most painful, secret by now, all from just looking at his face because she starts doing this ugly expression that always means that she’s about to get angry and—_

_“You’re not trying to get out of the fittings, right?” She narrows her eyes at him, poking his chest in an accusing manner and— fuck, China, take it easy on my stupidly weakening, lungs, goddamn it— “for your Montsuki*? because if you are, I swear, I am going to end you right now, Sadist.” The attempt to threaten him was there and he laughed wholeheartedly, shaking his head. “I will drag you down there, by myself, if I have to, yes? A brat like you is_ **_not_ ** _going to ruin this wedding for me, yes?”_

_“I was just asking, dumbass. And you’re wrong, you know,” He pulls her closer, wrapping his other free arm around her as well, enveloping her in a tight hug. He will miss this. “I’m looking forward to seeing which unnecessarily overly-fancy Kimono you plan on spending all of my money on, actually.” he corrects her, flicking the tip of her nose with his finger, and silently swore that this is the most honest he’s been the entire day._

_He will definitely miss this._

_He takes in the scent of her hair like it was his last chance to— like it was the last time that he would be able to do it,— and thinks to himself, maybe it was— or maybe it wasn’t? but with the current state of his rapidly deteriorating health, it was hard to be so sure anymore._

_Maybe blood will fill up his entire chest tonight— liquid eventually replacing his lungs, eating him from the inside out, like the doctor had said— in his sleep. Maybe the gods up there would have mercy on him, and he would die a quick and painless death. Maybe they would allow him to take it easy, for one last fucking time, let him off the hook, and give him this. This was all he was asking for, an easy way out— only literally._

_It really isn’t much, if he did say so himself, as he had never been particularly demanding; outside of the bedroom, that is. He just wanted to have this, so badly, so he wouldn’t have to be forced to see the look on her face when she realizes that he was dying._

_It would kill him in a thousand more painful ways than this stupid disease could ever hope to achieve._

_He hugs his beautiful fiancée tighter and the thought that this might be the last, too, told him to never let go of her in this embrace. If only it were possible._

_“You bet, you filthy tax robber!” She huffs and the laugh that erupts from his throat comes out natural and easy. “Might as well empty that fat wallet of yours on me, yes? That’s better, yes?” Kagura raised a brow at him, daring him to open that pretty mouth of his and disagree, but he doesn’t._

_The popular saying ‘happy wife, happy life’ rang inside his head and the way that it already applies, despite them not even being married yet, is amusing to him._

_“Oh, but of course,” he replies, sarcasm dripping from his mocking tone. Kagura rolls her eyes and a small smile is present on her lips as she tries to wriggle herself out of his embrace, though he doesn’t budge. “Wedding of the universe, right?” He humors her, using the same dreaded words that she had uttered to that evil wedding planner, before pressing a quick kiss to her lips. The teasing grin that makes its way to his face could already be considered a reflex, at this point._

_“That’s the spirit, sadist!” She cheers, fondly squishing his face with her palms, moving them in circles, “the Queen of Kabuki-cho deserves nothing less!”_

_“Ow! That hurts, China—” his cheek. Only his cheek. “Hai, hai! Stop that— damn it! I know already!” He surrenders, releasing her from his hold and she is laughing loudly and triumphantly now._

_Well, maybe his heart, too._

* * *

  
_Kagura finds the medication inside the pocket of his uniform slacks, the ones that he planned to wear for the day. That was a slip-up on his part, he allows himself to admit upon reflection._

_His fiancée is many things, but, despite whatever insult he might have thrown directly at her in the past, she isn’t stupid,— she was the very same young girl who had to pay close attention to her dying mother, in another planet, by herself, after all, so she isn’t— not even in the slightest, and he really should have taken that into consideration. She probably knows that this is for some kind of rare illness now, and it didn’t even require a genius to conclude who it belongs to._

  
  


_“Sougo,” he was wringing his long hair with a towel, attempting to completely dry it before getting dressed, when he heard his name being called in one of the emptiest tones ever used to address him. He stops in his ministrations._

_“Is there something you’re not telling me?” She pauses, “What’s this for? Are you sick?”_

  
  


_His blood runs cold and fuck, fuck, fuCK,_ **_FUCK_ ** _! He looks up and sees her dangling the cylindrical medicine container between her fingers. He blinks stupidly at her, absolutely dumbfounded. “...No?” He tries, and nearly applauds himself for the way his voice sounded, so genuinely confused._

_“I was in charge of interrogations last night,” he says, with all the nonchalance in the world that there was surely nothing left for anybody else, “for the disturbing case that I told you about— I’m not sure, maybe last week? I found that in the main suspect’s belongings, and was planning to give it to Hijikata-san.” He shrugs, the disinterested expression on his face so utterly fake. “Just thought that evidence like that would be useful to the investigation, is all.”_

_He had always been a quick thinker, especially on the battlefield, but this is a whole other thing entirely._

_‘Don’t buy it. Don’t buy it, China.’ He pleads in his head, tightening his hold on the towel, and he_ **_hates_ ** _himself. He absolutely hates himself for this— for everything. Kagura deserves none of this— none of his selfish bullshit— and maybe, just maybe, he really does deserve to die a slow and painful death, after all._

_“I’m not even supposed to be telling you this,” his lying ass continues with a fucking scoff. He was so good at this that it actually sickened him to his stomach. “Why would I be sick, China? You’re being ridiculous.” He knew all the right words to get her off his back, too._

_He was the lowest of the low, he’s always known that, but this was the confirmation._

_“Okay..?” Her forehead crinkled in obvious confusion, but she didn’t press on. She tossed the container to him and wordlessly passed him, stepping into the bathroom to take her shower while he got ready for work._

_“Don’t slack off too much today, I guess.” She mumbles before turning her back to him and slowly stripping herself of her clothes, obviously preoccupied with her thoughts. He could only nod in reply._

  
  


_The first thing he does when he gets to the Shinsengumi Compound is to empty the hearty breakfast his fiancée made for him into the unsuspecting toilet. The clumps of blood mixed in his vomit, combined with the never-ending image of Kagura’s worried face replaying in his head, makes him hurl a second time._

_As his fiancée would say, he really did deserve to die a slow and painful death,_ **_yup_** _._

* * *

_Kagura was growing anxious._

_Not at the thought of him walking off during their wedding and leaving her alone on the aisle, no— though it was not an unusual thought during a couple’s engagement period, she recalled Otose-san’s words from when she dropped by the bar once, just to pick up a passed out Gin-chan._

_It wasn’t that at all, that Sadist would meet his end by her umbrella if he even so much as considered that, yup._

_It was an entirely different thing altogether, and it gave her the most uncomfortable feeling in her gut. Gin-chan always told her to trust in her instincts, and they’ve never betrayed her before, not even once. She’s never been scared shitless by something she didn’t know, and_ _this_ _, it was slowly eating at her sanity._

_First, it was the, rather scarily violent,_ **_coughing_ ** _— “Did you put something in my food again, China?” He would tease with a damned strained smile. Didn’t he know how constipated he looked when he did that?_

 _Second, it was the weird, unusual_ **_vomiting—_ ** _She got home from a job with the Yorozuya earlier than she expected one time and Sougo, head almost completely dunked in the toilet with how much he was hunched over it, puking his soul out in the bathroom, was not exactly the warm welcome that she had in mind. “Just injured from the Jouishishi run-in, don’t worry” he had said then, referring to the blood scattered around the bowl like a halo. She reached over and wiped the side of his mouth with her finger, and the familiar dark red liquid that he saw while she washed it off on the sink made him frozen stiff around her the whole day._

 _Then it was the way he would turn_ **_deathly pale_ ** _at random parts of the day, disappear for a short while, then come back as quickly as he left, looking like the very picture of outstanding health once more. Almost as if he had done something to remedy it._

_She had turned a blind eye to it the first few times she had seen it happen, given that she was currently engaged to a man who was involved in a fairly dangerous line of work, but now that she was piecing it all together, something definitely wasn’t right here. She bit her lip._

_She will get to the bottom of this, if it was the last thing that she did._

* * *

_“A-ano… Kagura-chan… let’s calm down a bit, ne? Let’s ask them again, slowly this time, ne?” Gintoki tried placing a hand on her shoulder, like he always did to calm her down, but she threw him off violently— as if his arm had offended her and everything she believed in. He winced, now deciding to keep his mouth shut as he followed behind her while she trudged around the Shinsengumi Compound like she owned the place._

_“K-Kagura-san…” Yamazaki was scared shitless now and Gintoki pitied him, really. He was always the unlucky bastard present whenever things like this happened. It was getting hard to watch. “Um… I am_ **_so_ ** _sorry but I’ve been telling you,— five times now, actually,— that Okita-san is currently on patrol and Hijikata-san and the commander are currently discussing important matters and shouldn’t be disturbe—_ _Kagura-san! Please listen—! **Kagura-san?!**_ ** _—_** _”_

_And he wasn’t lying. The damn Mayora and the Gorilla he had for a superior really were in the middle of, what seemed to be, a serious meeting when his surrogate daughter slid the door open with unsurprising strength that she almost broke it._

_Gintoki’s trained eyes, however, did not miss the way Hijikata’s anger at being interrupted immediately vanished when he saw that it was the young yato who had appeared, and how Kondo suddenly looked increasingly uncomfortable, all of a sudden._

_He concludes, then, that whatever Kagura was about to tear down the entire place for, they were expecting it._

_“Anything we can help you with, China girl?” The Commander had asked her, mainly out of formality, and the lazy samurai could only blink in surprise when Kagura slammed her palm down the desk so hard that the material squeaked underneath it._

_This girl meant business today, and it was absolutely terrifying._

_“One of you…” she starts in the most collected voice she can muster, given her anger “is going to tell me what the_ **_hell_ ** _is going on with that damn sadist this instant.”_

_If looks could kill, two of the highest ranking officials of Edo’s police force would be slaughtered in their own office right now._

_“I’m not sure what you mean, China girl—” Hijikata tries and his cigarette drops from his mouth in an instant when Kagura grips him by the vest roughly. He gives a show of looking down, disinterested, at her in response._

_“I swear to you, Mayora, if I have to spend another night in the same bed as_ **_Sougo_** _, wondering why the hell he wakes up at ungodly hours in the night just to sneak into the bathroom and vomit, I am going to kill every single one of your soldiers right now, especially the stupid idiots listening in behind the door, yup.” The sound of men scurrying to get away from the scene was almost comical. If Gintoki, himself, wasn’t as clueless as they were, he would have laughed._

  
  


_“W-what is it, Mayora?” Kagura’s hold on him loosens as her voice begins to break. “He’s just stressed, yes? You’re an idiot of a superior who overworks him, yes? He’s constantly injured because you keep making him lead raids and stakeouts, yes?” The way she kept asking questions that she already knew the answer to only made it clearer that she already had a solid guess on what was wrong with her fiancée before she even got here and wanted, so badly, to be proven wrong._

_“_ **_ANSWER ME, DAMN IT!”_ **

_Kondo wordlessly stood up and left the room as soon as Kagura’s tears started falling. Gintoki’s heart clenched at the sight. He felt the incessant need to drag her away from this, whatever it was, and make her tears go away at some all-you-can-eat store that would probably drain his wallet, but he didn't. Whatever Hijikata’s answer would be, she needed to hear it, and he’ll be there for her when it breaks her— because he had a feeling that it would. Maybe it was the parental instinct that he had developed over the years of dealing with her. He would never know._

_“He’s sick, Kagura.” Hijikata had said, his voice devoid of all emotion as Kagura’s arm dropped from her hold. She gripped her parasol so tight that her knuckles turned white, dreading the next words to come out of the Vice-Chief’s mouth._

_“Sougo— he’s_ **_dying_ ** _.”_

_He didn’t even cushion his words. Asshole._

* * *

_Kagura didn’t come home to him that night, and Sougo already knew why._

* * *

_“I love you, Sadist”_

_“And I, you, China.”_

_“Then why are you in a hospital bed when you should be at home with me?”_

_“You miss me that much? I’m flattered. Don’t worry, China, it’s just a minor injury. Just a little bleeding, you know? It’ll pass, and I’ll be home before you know it. That monster dog of yours better not be sleeping on my side of the bed when I do."_

* * *

_“Don’t do this, Sougo. I know you’re a damn Sadist, but please, don’t leave me.”_

_“I’m not going anywhere, China. I can’t even move from here.”_

_“I hate you. I hate you so much.”_

_“I know, China, stop crying. I hate me, too.”_

* * *

_“Yorozuya, I know she just went back to grab a change of clothes, but you need to get Kagura back in here. He can barely get any oxygen anymore. He’s_ **_drowning_** _. They say he’s not going to make it."_

* * *

_‘I guess we were destined to the same fate, Aneue. Dying before the wedding. It’s getting kind of repetitive now, no? Is this some kind of new trend?’_

_‘I wonder if I’m going to the same place as you did.’_

_‘Heh, I doubt that.’_

* * *

_‘Also, I never got the chance to say this in front of a dumb pastor, so listen carefully, if you can hear me, that is.’_

_‘I love you, Kagura.’_

_‘Most importantly,’_

_‘I do.’_

* * *

_“Excuse me, miss, are you here for Okita Sougo, by any chance?”_

_“Ah, yes, I am.”_

_“Relationship to the patient?”_

_His wife— “His fiancée.”_

_“Kami-sama. I am_ **_so_ ** _sorry to say this, but—_

* * *

“Say something, Sadist.”

“Sougo— god, why are you being so difficult?!”

“Say something, damn it!” 

Kagura grabs a fistful of dirt from the ground beside her and throws it at him in desperation. The torrent of her tears flowed freely as her throat held back what seemed to be in between a choked sob and a scream. Her infamous strength was slowly leaving her by the minute, and her entire body ached, not just for the lack of proper oxygen. 

“You promised.” Her sniffles and loud sobs were the only ones that rang throughout the area and just when she thought she'd had enough after crying for _weeks_ , she felt her heart breaking all over again. “You promised, stupid!

  
  


**_沖田 総悟_ **

**_Okita S._ **

_28 years of age_

_First Division Captain of the Shinsengumi_

  
  


“I hate you. I hate you so much.”

The stone monument—his monument, she reminded herself— decorated with fresh flowers mixed with a bunch of slowly drying ones stood unmoving in front of her, as though mocking the pitiful state that she was in. Her touch ghosts over its surface, and her tears endlessly streaming as she tries her hardest not to destroy the only memorial of him with just a flick of her finger.

“We were supposed to be getting married today, you know?”

**_‘Wedding of the universe, right?’_ **

“You damn **_sadist._** _”_

**Author's Note:**

> This took way too long to finish— and by way too long, I mean it took years, but only because I was a coward and a crybaby. Also, I can't believe the first Gintama fic that I posted is angst (more like an attempt at it)
> 
> Comments are more than welcome. Feel free to leave some if you have any! :)


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